Job Description: Long-term player needed for challenging, permanent work in chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts. There is some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway places. Travel expenses are not reimbursed.
Responsibilities: Must keep job for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be disliked, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be willing to tackle challenges such as small gadget repairs, sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must handle product and safety testing, as well as floor maintenance and custodial work. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of maturity. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarassment the next. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of end project.
Advancement and Promotion: There is no possibility of either. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
Previous Experience: none required, but on-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.
Wages: None. In fact, you must pay those in your charge, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment may be due when they turn 18 and attend college. When you die, you give them whatever income you have remaining.
Benefits: There is no health insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options. However, the job offers limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life.
(Taken from Ann Landers' column appearing in The Hartford Courant)